03 November 2009

reality.

dont know where to start.
dont know how to start.
its just too hard for me to say out.
or rather i dont know what to say.
life's getting more n more depressing for me.
i can barely take it anymore.
to the extend that i'm subconsciously avoiding it.

for school, i really regretted taking jc as a choice.
it's totally out of what i can conditioned in.
although i know its too late to say now, the only thing i can do is make an effort to go for the exam.
anyway i have already decided to take private no matter what.
i wanted the fastest way to get a degree and out to work.
people may say i will realise that studying is better when i starts working.
i know about that, but i'm just too sick and tired of books and notes now.

for family, its just not as harmonious as what i always thought.
i never like social politics, be it in friends or work.
never had i know that this applies to family too.
i'm not meaning its what i experienced from the outside world.
but.. its just not as united, not as harmonious, as what i used to think so.
sometimes, i really hate growing up.
the older i get, the more i'm exposed to reality.
and also, cause of these realities, it made me grow beyond the norm, mentally.
nobody ever know exactly what i've been through since young till now.
what people see and know is just the surface.
that, i'm a girl who comes from a better-off family, and the family is fun and harmonious.
yes, that's my thinking few years back.
recently, i realise.. it's not so.
for my current situation, i really don't know how to describe.
i do not wish to talk about it either.
perhaps only a friend or two may understand it.

after all those stuff i've been through, my mindset has totally twist upside down.
my fairytale dreams had only lasted for a short period.
they had slowly faded off few years after i came to sg.
through the years, i realised there's really hardly anybody that i can trust completely.
in the past, whenever i think i can really trust someone, they never fails to disappoint me.
it makes me really afraid of attempting again, my confidence has gone, inside out.

since years ago, i have lost hope in true love.
cause, what i've seen, heard or even experienced, prove it doesn't fucking exist at all.
forever, is a word that i've never used before and will never use.
cause, it doesn't and will never exists in my dictionary.
i may be pessimistic, but this is reality.
to me, marriage is just a matter of signing the paper or not.
the oh-so-sacred thinking has had never in my mind, ever since i'm born.
though, doesn't mean i'm not serious towards relationship.
i date someone, purely for the reason i want to be with him.
i never start a relationship for marriage purpose.
i never plan or dream of the future in a relationship, cause i'm afaid that's not what the guy's thinking.
all in all, i'm just afraid of being rejected.
to plan for future means to have high hopes on the relationship which also means theres also possibily of disapointment.

i have lost faith.

can i find it back?

can anybody help me?

i'm helpless..

~END~

♥ stucked ♥
1:22:00 am

Vivian Lai.

first-cry on 271290

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