getting crazy due to excessive waiting. -.-
the normal-lest photo i can niao. lol. got more retard de but.. its ok, i dont wish to wreck my image further. haha.
unstable emotions during midnight.
or perhaps tts the true me?
when i have no energy to masked myself?
even though i may be emotional may be immature or whatsoever,
my content is definitely not out of an act of impulsion but are things that i have kept inside which i cant bring myself to voice it out when im 'awake'.
why am i exceptionally 'sticky' after i got tipsy?
why am i exceptionally 'girly'/demanding when im half aslp?
because.. these are stuffs that i know that i cant bring myself to do it when im fully awake.
my inner mind would forbid me to do these, telling me that doing these would likely to make you dislike me, doing these would show that im am way too kiddish for you, doing these is not what you want me to, doing these...... and so on.
yesterday i broke a promise that i make to myself.
since that day, i told myself not to tear for anything regarding you cox im not supposed to be.
since then, i have not teared a single drop cox everytime i feel like tearing, i remind myself about the promise i made, and so i manage to swallow them back.
but yesterday, was half asleep, did not have the strong determination to hold it back.
expectedly, i let out everything including those i have managed to swallow back during these 6 weeks or so.
then, i made myself another promise again ytd.
never hint or say out straight anymore even though how much i yearn for it.
i hope this time it can last for more than 6 weeks. -.-
27o6o9 is the day that i would want to go back most if im given a chance to.
even though its unhappy at first but its insignificant as compared to the sweetness i have at the later part.
everytime i thought of it, i would smile to myself uncontrollably.
even though friends have told me to leave when its still not too jalat.
and also, they have been through similar things, hence they know how hurtful it is.
but, still, the rebellious in me, still having the thinking that things may not always be the same.
it may be different for me.
i don't know whether it's naive or what, but i don't care.
not to deny, things have change for the better since then.
slowly, i began to have hope in us.
but theres still something that you will never change i guess.
the 'automatic' in you.
you never move unless i give u a big hard kick to fly.
you know everything about it, but you will never execute anything unless i show u how desperately i need that.
to you, it may be nothing.
things i want are very simple stuff, nothing complicated.
the most important point is you are aware of most of it.
but... either you are too lazy to do,
not in the mood to do,
timing is not right or ripe to do,
you did but you didn't show,
or it's something you would not do.
but.. every single one of it means something to me.
one year le neh, and still, you refuse to say it.
although i say i wont force you to, cox what i want is truly comes from you.
but honestly la, which girl would not want to hear that?
things i have said are also something that i would not do usually.
and of course clearly you should know the reason why i would.
afterall, im a girl.
you can't expect me to keep on asking and hinting all the way.
after so long, it's tiring to keep on doing that.
that's why i promise myself not to do this anymore.
i shall be patient and wait for you to move automatically.
you asked me to say and i told you to find out yourself.
it's not difficult actually.
i have given you all the information you can access to.
you have my blog add, my facebook, friendster and so on.
but yet. you never think of that isnt it?
going over to sleep used to be one of the things i would love to.
but the desire is not as strong anymore.
my purpose of going over is not to squeeze with just anybody on a bed.
if its that case, i would rather sleep alone.
i have told you before, if i choose to spend it with you, i would not want to spend it as though i'm alone.
since young, i have trained myself to hide my feelings and not to show it to anyone.
and through the years, i have to admit that i'm pretty skilful in it.
yet, you say you know that im unhappy cox everything is writen on my face.
of course, i deliberately disclose it to you to see what's your reaction.
in the end, your reaction is no reaction.
do you know how helpless it is when you are at your weakest, and the one you want most concern from is not giving a tiny bit of love to you and then after that, just tell you that you can overcome it yourself.
of course, i know that i can overcome it myself.
of course, i am able to find my own way out eventually.
and the ways i used is definitely not what you would ever want to know.
even so, no girl would not want people to dote on, no matter how strong/independent she is.
i told you before if you don't mean anything to me, i won't even care whether you care anot.
i know i meant something to you too, but you don't show, how would i ever get to know?
as times passed, i'm sinking deeper n deeper, until i can't pull myself out.
in the past, don't meet for few weeks is nothing to me.
now, i'm so attached to you that meeting even once a week is insufficient to me.
honestly, i don't want myself to become like this.
cox i know that at the end of the day, i will be the one whose suffering the most cox this is like a one way thing to me, from me to you and it never seems to be the other way.
not to be saddist, but at times i will wonder if tt day, im able to let go of that she bu de thingy, what would it be now?
i'm not saying that you are not treating me well.
i'm just wondering if im able to be cruel to myself on tt day, things might be different.
but no matter what, together with you is not a regretful choice i made.
all in all, im such a weakling.
i told myself not to tell u anymore.
yet, im writing this out.
reason being that i dont wish to lose you.
if only i have your words of affirmation, i may have more confidence.
if only you would thought of my blog.
if only you would read.
i realise i have alot of 'i told you before', which means if you listened, you should be aware of it.
but.. you listened, you awared, you choose to ignore.
if only...
~END~
